Telling Your Husband Too Much

So this conversation took place last night. I might have had a bit too much for dinner and it left my stomach feeling all roly-poly. We were finally in bed for the evening....

Coach: Are you feeling better?
Me: Yeah- after I puked anyway.
C: You puked?
M: Yeah, and it helped. But do you want to know what happened?
C: No
M: Hey, I'm supposed to be able to tell you everything.
C: No you're not.
M: Hey now, you married m-- C: No.

Well obviously that wasn't going to work. So I told him anyway. And now I'll tell you. I will warn you though that it involves puke and pee and a small scene with a spider. If that's too much for you then it's probably best you stop reading now. :)

I was feeling all queasy and bubbly inside. I figured that I just ate too much and going to the bathroom might help. So I'm sitting on the toilet happily peeing and what comes scurrying across the floor right after I start? A wolf spider- aka, my arch nemesis in life. I stayed calm. I grabbed my hairspray and sprayed the literal living life out of the SOB. (This is a trick I learned when I lived alone, hair spray kills or at least paralyzes the spider so you can vacuum it up).

I pulled up my pants (they were around my ankles during the extermination), flush the spider remains, wash my hands, and return to the den. I'm sitting there and my stomach feels all roly again. I figure it's because I had stopped my bathroom break earlier. Back up the stairs I go!

I sit down, start to pee, and immediately feel it. The vomit. It's in my throat. I look around and the trashcan is full and doesn't even have a bag. Oh no- it's in my mouth. I clamp my lips closed and in one, swift move I flush the toilet, pull up my pants, pivot, kneel, and barf into the flushing waters. For some reason puking into pee seemed unsanitary. What if it splashed? So the first round's good but you know there's never just one. Gag round 2 comes (the first was really just an appetizer) and I happily puke the full amount. Except...wait....my panties are damp. I feel and yup, my pants are damp too. Apparently you can only stop your pee mid-stream one time in the evening. The second time and you are doomed to pee your pants while puking. I supposed the force and all that just squeezed the remains out!

So long story short, I peed my pants while puking. I wanted to tell my husband about it but he didn't want to hear it. I told him anyway. After I had finished my story he just stares at me. I sweetly say, "Oops, too much information?" Coach just rolls his eyes, kissed me goodnight and left it at that.